What a Loser

Hey screen. I think you must be dying of boredom to always keep seeing me for every single day, aite? Do you know that I'm so not very much want to face you too for every hour, every minute, every second in my life? no, you never know. You're just a dead screen that can't talk but yeah it has sometimes a good sound. but weird huh? you're the only thing that can comfort me in anytime when I'm in bullshit situations, or when I'm pretty fucked up with my life. see? see how lonely I am? and it's fucking killing me. (sorry if i swear too much, it's a kind of way of me expressing my feelings) sometimes, when the feeling of loneliness is getting on my nerves, i can't help but called all of my friends to at least talk with them. several times to I asked them to go hang out with me but seriously, when I did that, I sounded like a loser and pitiful to them like i was having a great grief and tried to lean on their shoulder. but they could never do that. They have their own life now, they're studying with their new friends, working, and having regular jobs, communicating with people, doing something productives while me here..

yes. I'm the only one who fated to be stuck in this shitty virtual world, where i cant feel any movement like them. Actually, I'm tired of thinking too much. these mixed feelings, regretful, sorrowness, loneliness, I don't know how to endure them anymore. To keep crying all nights, to keep pretending happy all the time, but I'm still praying eventhou i don't give much hope on anything. Because I just have to pray and it's the only way.

I hate the fact that I have a sickness, and it deter me to further my study, and it ruined my life which I can't even go outside as much as other people do. and because of it, I barely have any outdoors activities and it affected my social life too where I seldom meet and communicate with people because i coudn't get out much. this happened for several years, so yeah. i'm a dropout now trying to figure out what I can do with my own life.

Yesterday, my sister already entered in USIM as a college student. what a lucky girl she is, although she make me proud as a sister and it gives me positive vibe to work harder, it saddened me a little bit because i felt like a fucking loser when i'm not the first one to be a college/university student instead, she's a second sister and she managed to be the one. But i'm still proud.(yeah, I mean it)

But this is one of the saddest thing. The guy I like, get married. again. I'm a fucking loser for having this sad feeling.

Bye.

(I'm a grammer nazi, so if there something wrong, don't be shy to fix it)